Love or Fear

The other evening I was out walking on a well used trail with a friend.  We passed a good sized group of young people and said hello as we walked by.  One of the boys said, "Why do people always say 'Hi' out here?" (I may be mistaken on the exact words, but that was the gist of it.)  My friend hollers back "Because we are being friendly!"

It got me thinking.  Are we being friendly or is it like a dog wagging its tail in greeting another dog to test the weather as it were?  If we approach in a threatening way, we are more likely to be treated in kind.  So being friendly is a preemptive strike to avoid hostilities.  It was growing dark on the trail.  It was a group of teenagers.  My first instinct was not one of instant love, but one of fear by the way of apprehension.  But I chose instead to act in love to stave off fear.

I don't recall who first brought the idea to my attention that there are only two primary emotions, love or fear and all other secondary emotions stem from either of those.  And that we have a choice about which to use.  I can always switch from one to the other, but by choosing love at the start, I have laid the groundwork for possibility, opened the door to interaction and relationship.  If I choose fear, that possibility no longer exists.

In my retail job, I welcome each person as they enter the store.  And often they are surprised.  "What?"  "Welcome."  "Oh.  Thanks."  It gives us an opportunity to see one another as humans, not just as shopper and sales person.  They have been acknowledged.  They have been seen.  They have value, not just as a source of potential income, but as a person.  We are so often rushed and isolated in our lives, it is easy to not see the people around us.  I have spoken with some customers about this, why they choose to shop at a small business, why they speak with me when they come in.  The people who shop in my store often desire that sense of community.  They don't go to the self checkout, but take the time to see and interact with the human behind the cash register.

Last night, I took a call while checking out at the grocery store.  I thought it was the doctor's office.  I was so embarrassed that I was so rude to the person checking me out.  I dismissed them in order to take a call by someone more important.  I apologized profusely after.  I hope I never do that again.

I live in a world, a nation, a community, a home that is divided on many issues.  It is easy to embrace to fear and let it guide me.  It feels safer there with my armor of fear to protect me.  But it closes me off from dialogue, from potential unity, from any kind of peace.

Self Righteous Anger

It is an addictive thing, self righteous anger.  It feeds upon itself and it relatively easy to keep burning because, by its very nature, is right.  It is courage and valor, martyrdom and vindication.  Personally, I love it.  I wrap myself in it like a blanket and sneer at those outside of it.  It comforts me when I am hurt.  I can stomp all around and wave signs and yell until my voice is gone. It is moral. Sort of. Because it is also fear based. It is also mob rule.

So I see this path before me that is well trod and comfortable to walk upon. I am happy here.  I am safe here.  I have right on my side, I know what is likely before me.  Onward Christian Soldiers and all that.  I am outfitted with the armor of righteousness.  It is the path to beating my enemy into submission.  I am right damn it!  

 But this is not the path to peace. A few weeks ago, I rewrote the Lord's Prayer because the phrase "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" keeps whispering in my mind.  It is still whispering.  Because what changes the landscape is the repeated drop of water.  Yes, of course the earthquake changes things, volcanoes change things, but the water, the gentle water, makes it way, carves its path, causes the rock to open and alter.  My path to peace is the one less traveled, the hard and narrow path off into the darkness where I do not know what I will find.  I have no armor, no weaponry.  I am small and alone.  It is a different kind of right.  It is a surrender of a kind.  I surrender, not to the other, but to the all.  I go beyond the need to be right, the need to belong, the need.  I step and I breathe.  I step and I breathe.  I step and I breathe.  This is the way  I must go.  Into the darkness to find the light I seek.

Waiting and watching

It has been a little while since my last post.  In a way I feel like I have boarded a train filled with people I do not know and have no idea where I am headed.  I am bumped and stepped on and people keep giving me things to see and shouting in my ears.  It is unsettling.  It is easy, I think, to just go along for the ride, moving along with the crowd and not think for myself.  But that is not my way.  I observe and reflect and analyze and then act impulsively.  I know that is contradictory, but it is like I put things in the pot to stew and let my subconscious mull it over and just go with what my guts tell me is right.  I sometimes end up with indigestion.
I have been hearing stories about people living in fear.  People, children, living in fear that I can do nothing to assuage other than to offer comfort and compassion.  What good are my words in the face of such fear?  I have heard people call protesters names.  They don't seem to care what the protests are about.  Poor sports they say.  Not that they are protesting the intended policy changes our soon to be president has promised to implement, those same policy changes that have children feeling hopelessness and fear.  But the winners are not hearing the children, nor do they seem to care.  What did they win?  I guess that is what we are waiting to see.
I have been told that the president is essentially powerless, merely a figurehead, like the Queen of England.  How powerless is she?  How powerless was all of our presidents up to now?  I have seen the physical changes on our last few presidents.  The come in looking fresh and leave looking worse for wear.  They are not simply paraded about to smile and wave.
For the first time in my life have I seriously considered being a gun owner to use in defend of the liberties of my fellow Americans who are now being threatened.  Me, a militia-woman.  Unthinkable. But yet, I am thinking of it.  I want to practice how to diffuse situation of conflict in order to lend assistance to my fellow Americans who are now being threatened.  I want to learn self defense to protect myself and my fellow Americans who are now being threatened.  What the hell happened and how did it happen so fast?  Every day stories of violence and harassment are being reported.  There are people in this country, also my fellow Americans, who are giddy with the opportunity they feel they have been given to act upon those impulses that up until now they have suppressed.  It is like a portal to hell has been opened and all of the imps have come pouring out and they look like our neighbors and friends.  It is indeed unsettling.

Autumn sunrise

The sun seems to be rising slowly today.  It is a beautiful autumn morning with the promise of blue sky.  As I stood on my back porch with my warm coffee cup in my hands and the scent of something herbal in my nose, I watched the dogs romp around the yard and looked at the trees I planted a week or so ago and thought "I love my life."
I don't often think that particular thought.  It is not unheard of for me to think precisely the opposite.  So the thought stopped me in my mental tracks and I was grateful for it.  It does not mean that I will always love my life, but in that moment, I did.  I felt tranquil. I still do.  My monkey brain is currently calm and quiet.  It is hard to keep from gripping tightly to this feeling.  Like having a butterfly land on my hand, I must be still and observe and allow it to be.  Breathe, be.

The Lord's Prayer Revisited

Our Father who art in Heaven
Divine Creator who dwells in the spaces between matter
Hallowed by thy name
You are sacred to me
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven
May I embody your love in all that I do and all that I say
Give us this day our daily bread
Thank you for all that I have, that I know no wants on this day or any other
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Forgive me and help me to forgive both myself and others
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil 
Help me to make the choices that best reflect love for myself and others in all that I do or say
For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory for ever and ever
Help me to hear your wisdom and guidance as I make my way through this day and every day
Amen
Amen