I find myself off kilter of late. It is not a good place to be and I am unclear as to what to do about it.
With the election in November, there was turmoil. I really never believed that he could be elected. It was like finding out the Jerry Springer show was a documentary. I had friends and loved ones on both sides and it became very divisive for me personally. For those more on my periphery, I chose to let them go rather than absorb it. I just couldn't take it all in.
Through it all I have found this undercurrent of guilt. The guilt of privilege, my own lack of activism, my suspicion that activism doesn't change anyone's mind and certainly not those who have something to lose if change happens. I want to believe this new president is powerless, that they dogma he holds dear cannot affect me. But maybe the Jerry Springer Show is a documentary after all. Oh to bury my head in the sand where it feels safe again!
I try to see both sides, to weigh and evaluate, to reflect, to make a decision. My leftward leaning friends say there is no time for that. My rightward leaning friends say that is reasonable. It reminds me a bit of when I read the Left Behind series and I wanted to strengthen my Christian faith as an insurance policy against what may come. Fear propelled me. Well, years later, I no longer call myself a Christian because I could not maintain the momentum of fear, only love could stay.
I did not march yesterday in the Women's March, not in Seattle, nor Washington DC nor in any of the cities where it occurred around the world. People marched for different reasons and I did not. I was afraid. I was afraid that if there were rioters, I would not be able to stand up to them. I was afraid it would be only words of hate and not of love and empowerment. I did not want to be part of a hate march.
Am I feeling guilty because I am not radical enough? I don't have a desire to be more conservative, but I do have a desire for balance. I want fair and equitable treatment for people of all races and religions. I want access to quality of education for all children. I want people to behave with a moral center than considers the needs of others along with the needs for themselves. I want people to have the freedom to make choices for themselves without anyone saying they should or should not behave in this manner and to face the consequences of those choices (free will and personal responsibility).
I also believe that people should make educated choices and education takes time. If I choose to not wear my seatbelt because I don't care for being restricted, but do not know that the reason the seatbelt is there is to safe my life in case of an accident, then I am not making an educated choice. Some may argue that we do not have enough time in the day to educate people in all the things they need to know. That may be true, so there will be consequences until the lesson is learned. Another example and a little more personal this time, I have seen trees hacked off at the top all over my region. I have always thought it looked weird and unnatural and other than to keep the trees out of the powerlines, I could not see the purpose in it. I reacted, but I was not educated, not in the reason for nor against the practice. I have since learned that hacking off trees in this way often makes the problem worse as a plant will put out multiple arms in response to being damaged in this way and it can cause the tree to die before its time. It would be better to remove the tree entirely and plant one whose growth habit is more appropriate for that space. But that is an educated answer. But I did not learn it until later in life.
Are we obligated to teach our fellow humans? If someone had marched down the road shouting for the hacking of trees to stop, I would not likely be moved to find out why. It does not compel me to listen. If someone came to my door, I would be tense that they wanted to teach me something I did not want to learn, so I don't know if that is helpful either. But maybe if I see beautiful and healthy trees, I may be moved by example to learn more how to have beautiful and healthy trees.
There is power in marching. But the power is more to the marcher than the observer. Will our new president say as a result of the march, "Hmm, maybe these women are more than what they seem. Perhaps I should respect them instead of simply trying to fuck them." Not likely. At this point, he is who he is and his view of women will not likely change. But maybe he will say, "Hmm, these members of the country that I now represent should be considered as there are an awful lot of them." Maybe he won't even do that. I don't know. But for every person who marched, they can say "I am part of something bigger than myself."
I did not march and I cannot say that in the same way. I did something self affirming which I found personally important, but not so impacting as marching. I know I needed to fill up my own spiritual tank and I may not have achieved that, but I had fun and I challenged myself.
I suppose the takeaway is that I really do need to be true to myself and honest that I am not what others may wish me to be. I will never be enough and I will always be too much. So I must just be me, with my free will and my personal responsibility.
