Yesterday was Mother's Day. Some mothers got breakfast in bed or lovely cards of construction paper and markers. Though these are lovely, for me and for many of my friends, it is our day to celebrate how being a mother has changed us, transformed us into people we would otherwise never have become. It is a day for a us to remember, not only that we are loved by our children, but how much we love them and who we are now because of it.
I can only speak of my own experience, but I do not believe it is radically different from the experience of others. When I held my infant child, be it my first child or second or third, I felt profound gratitude. Love was no longer something ethereal, but formed into flesh. This little being did not need to love me back. I could pour and pour and pour from this unending source of love for this small thing. It was something divine. As the infant grew older, it became necessary to guide and teach, so the love became funnelled into something more controlled. Only during times of worry over sickness or injury was my love freed from its constraints to wash over my beloved child. When the worry would pass, I would again reign it in so that I could again guide.
As my child grew, they were able to affect me with their words and actions, cause hurt or sadness or disappointment. My love for them had to be hidden away lest I become overbearing. When they wouldn't hug me in front of their friends or would let go of my hand to show they could do this on their own are moments burned into my memory. As they grow older, there are more and more opportunities to be independent, to push my love away.
So Mother's Day becomes sacred. A day where I get to open up the floodgates and feel the love I have for my children and they can't push me away. They are obligated to let me love them. To let me feel all that I do. I don't mind that I still have to do the laundry or empty the dishwasher because this is life and I am damn lucky to have it. I am blessed beyond measure to be able to love and to show my love in ways that are simple. Would I love to have someone else do my chores? Of course, I am not a glutton for punishment. But I would not trade anything for this. For this is life worth living, the ability to love without need of love in return. It is a priceless kind of love, one that fills my being almost every day. As the children begin to leave the nest, I know that I have to control my love for them again to give them confidence that they don't need me. But in the safety of my thoughts I can love them as loud as I wish.
To answer my son's question, "What do you want for Mother's Day, Mom?"... I want to love you without reservation and I want you to take it as much as you can.
