It has been a long time since I wrote anything here. For quite a while, my brain hasn't seemed capable of doing any creative thinking. I haven't daydreamed in ages. I feel so much joy when my brain chews on things, speculating, analyzing, reformulating ideas. It is a kind of intelligence that I value in myself. But for last... huh, I can't remember for how long, my brain has been has been in a standstill. I have been coping. Which means lots of coffee, lots of sugar, pain, exhaustion, low emotional response, self degradation. I don't know why these chapters happen and not really sure how to get out of them. I was saying awful things to myself for a while, then I increased the dosage of my anti-depressant and that has abated.
Last year, I wrote gratitude every day on social media and it was so uplifting to my soul. And this year, I couldn't even begin to start. I had forgotten all about it until I read someone else's posting and though I thought about making my own, I did not.
I suppose I could call this depression, though I am not sure I want to. A label makes it seem like it is the same thing for everyone, easily identifiable. I don't want to sound like I am the only one with this condition, nor do I seek pity. Instead, I want to identify where I am at this moment. Sometimes it is like moving through a swamp that is chest deep. My wishing will not get me through it any faster or easier, only my effort. And some days I don't get very far or even sink deeper. And it also doesn't mean that there isn't a swamp on the other side that I will have to get through again.
I have some things in place that help me. I am on medication. I have good friends that I trust. I am signed up with an on line exercise class that I can use. I have scheduled regular massage.
It is daunting when I think of how far I have to go. So instead I want to think of each step. Grateful that I can take that step. I can breathe deeply, center myself and try again. There really is no success or failure. It is not a black and white thing.
So I set an intention for the day...I breathe deeply, filling my lungs with clean air. I move gently and with purpose. I feed my body nourishing food and water. I am present.
