I can remember bits of my own graduation. There are pictures to help, but I can recall the blue of our gowns, lining up, walking together, the folding chairs, the speeches, but not the words of those speeches, only that they gave them, the band playing endless repetitions of Pomp and Circumstance. The feeling of being at both an ending and a beginning still resonates.
As a parent, I am proud and relieved and again I have that feeling of an ending and a beginning. I am melancholy for the nagging to do homework, to practice the instrument, to do their chores. I know that in a matter of months, my house will have a vacancy.
It is hard to put into words what my kids mean to me. I hear their laughter. Even if they are not laughing with me. I smell their bodies, both clean and filthy. I know the curve of their cheek and what it will feel like to touch. Though it has been many years since I covered them with kisses, I know that too.
When I get angry with my kids, it is a fast burn. Far more often it is an irritation that passes. We can talk about it. I trust them. I believe in their value as humans. I love them always, even when I may not like them fully (this happened more in the early years). I learn from them and am thrilled when they share parts of themselves with me. I strived to support their decisions, even when I did not agree with their choices.
One day, not all that long ago, my youngest was struggling with their confidence when it came to driving a car. I climbed into the back seat so when they drove I could be there purely for support. I silently chanted, "I believe in you. I believe in you. I believe in you." for the entire ride. I did not teach. I did not offer a second set of eyes. My job in that moment was to just encourage. It was a powerful moment for me.
I think that will be my job over the next few years as each one steps more fully into the sea of adulthood. To be the one to cheer, to listen, to reflect as they weigh their decisions. To remind them that I love them and am proud of them and that I believe in them. I also have a job that will be less mom, a different kind of wife, and more me in my own right. Of course, that has been shifting over the years, ever since I went to my first book club meeting and was not a wife nor a mother, but just a person who read a book. Employment can do that for many, but my work has always been secondary to my family.
I admit, I am apprehensive, because it is a change. But I am not afraid of it. And I am excited about this new chapter too. I am looking forward to spending time with my husband and discovering who we are as a couple rather than just as parents. I am looking forward to seeing what I do with my life as I move toward friendship with my kids.
Happy graduation. The world is my oyster. It will be shaped by world events as well as personal events and will always be subject to my choices of love or fear. Be brave.
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