Fate

 I do not like the idea of fate, that I cannot set my own course and take advantage of the experience therein.  But I do not know what to call it when seemingly out of nowhere, people, things and experiences all seem to converge to teach me what I have been waiting to learn. I have been collecting information on mindfulness and intention, but in little bits here and there.  Only lately have those bits and bobs of information started to coalesce.   Like little streams coming together and together and together to form something more formidable. It is only now that it is everywhere that I look that I start to wonder about the journey I am finding myself on.

  In the past, I have gone "all in" when it came to church and religious experience in order to belong and to assuage loneliness and awkwardness and other social shortcomings.   I had decided that belonging was more important than any other thing and dismissed my reservations and intuitive knowledge. At some point, I decided that my relationship with religion was inauthentic and had to leave.  It was not an easy decision as it had been part of my life for so long, but I felt like I was simply going through the motions and God (The universe, the Divine, etc) was worth more than simply faking it.  I set religion aside and waited for understanding.  In my waiting, and idea came to me that perhaps witch was another name for priestess.  

I have been in search of teachers.

In the last few months, I have been working to transform my yard into a witch's garden.  I am a young witch, in terms of practice, and am still figuring out what that means.  But my intention is to grow things that would be of use to myself and my neighbors to aid us in living our best life, balanced in the physical, emotional and spiritual.

One day, while working in the yard, I lit a fire and said a prayer of blessing for all who visit my yard, that they know joy, health and abundance in all things. A felt the presence of magnitude, of those who have come before and are guides to those with the ears to listen.  I was overwhelmed.  This can't be real, I thought.  Then two eagles circled overhead, not high in the sky, maybe 40 feet or so, like they were looking for me as they glided along.  My prayer included anyone the smoke reached, so I felt that perhaps the smoke blessed them too.  I have not seen them since that day, though we do have eagles that live near here.  The feeling I had, between the eagles and the sense of others walking beside me, was remarkable.

I have been picking up books at work on the healing power of foods.  I have history of emotional eating, so eating with intention for my well-being is different.  I have a good sense of nutrition, but I have not put it together as an act of self-love. Over and over, these recipe books are filled with words of love and encouragement, not just recipes.  I knew that I had been missing an important component during my last go round with weight loss.  As an emotional eater, I already knew how to eat my feelings. Now, I am learning how to be with my feelings and use food to nurture and tend my heart and soul.

While I was driving to work, I was growing restless listening to the radio.  Most radio is too aggravating for me, so I listen to books or to classical music.  But I decided to take a peek into podcasts for a new companion on my drive to and from work.  I found An Herbal Diary. which is all about using herbal medicine in food and in tea.  Then I came home and opened a book I had purchased, called Kale and Caramel, a cookbook using herbs as medicine.  I had listened to a lecture a few weeks back on healing herbs and how foods feed our microbiome, which in turn, take care of our bodies. 

The books, the lectures, the garden could all be coincidental things that overlap in my desire for growth on a mystical level.  But I recall the feeling of multitude, of a sacred community ready to guide me in my understanding.  I feel compelled to wander this path, to be vulnerable to it, to be present.  I am afraid, believe me, ready to dismiss everything as a figment of my imagination and get back to life as I know it, drab as it may be.  I don't want to do that.

Yesterday, I made my first meal with love as my intention.  I prayed as I washed my hands that the foods I prepared would be a blessing to all who partook.  That we would be nourished and better able to be mindful of the needs of others, that the gift of life that was given from the lamb and the fruits and vegetables would not be wasted or taken for granted, but for a greater good.

I used thyme as the medium.  I chose it because it was available in early spring, and I felt drawn toward it.  I looked it up after and read that thyme opens one up to the spirit, to the mystical.  Perfect.  The meal was multifaceted with each component containing the herb in either dried or fresh form. I do not know if my guests were able to take in what I was offering by way of magic, but they were at least amenable to the idea.

This all feels like a leap of faith.  I have been acknowledging my fear in being open to the idea there is more to my life than what it appears at first glance.  After being present with my fears for a bit, I was putting things away and came across a candle that I had purchased last week.  I bought it because some of the proceeds went to rehabilitation of women who had been victims of human trafficking. When I looked at it, the first thing I noticed was the scent, Palo Santo, which has a long spiritual tradition and on the candle itself was the word, Courage. So I am leaping and ready to be present for whatever comes next.