There are some people I know that refer to themselves as color blind. They see no race, gender or ethnic differences. I wonder at this idea and it bothers me because I want to see people's race, gender or ethnicity, not to judge them, but to see their history, their story about how they came to be in this place, in this time, what makes them who they are as they evolve from their family of origin and have decided to define themselves now.
I live in a world that is still defined by racial, gender and ethnic identity. And I get so excited when I see the stereotypes turned on their ears. I drove past a big box hardware store tonight and watched a man carrying something large and cumbersome in one arm and holding the hand of a little girl in rain boots with the other. It made me smile and wish that this was not an unusual sight.
It is a gut deep wish that little girls go to the hardware store with their dads and learn the ins and outs of tools and machinery and all the things that go with it. That they are not afraid to get dirty, to learn, to bust their knuckles on hard metal and find cool tools that help them be more successful with putting things together or tearing them apart.
It is also a gut deep wish that little boys are encouraged to be creative and thoughtful and compassionate. That they are not afraid to speak their minds or analyze their feelings and respond from a visceral level.
There has been a huge uptick in gender fluidity and I can't help but wonder if it is in response to the labels and stereotypes we inflict upon our children, even when we intend not to. It also seems that as children question the roles they have been given, they can reject those roles so fully that they can no longer play in their original roles. For girls, they must reject the pink and frilly and only embrace the genderless. I don't know if boys seek androgyny to give them the space to discover themselves in the same way. It seems that androgyny really equates to a more masculine appearance and behavior than an actual neutral one.
There was a young man working at a pizza place who was wearing makeup. I wanted to acknowledge it, tell him it looked nice. But I didn't. At the moment I wanted to celebrate with this young man with his willingness to defy social norms, I also wanted to normalize it, make it no big thing. I should not celebrate the makeup wearing young man or the father with the little girl at the hardware store. These need to be normal events, not cause for celebration. It should be expected that people behave openly and in support of one another. We should be color blind. Shouldn't we? But we aren't. We still say "Boys will be boys"or "That wasn't very ladylike".
I am confused. I want to celebrate those who are willing to live out loud as the world should be, but by doing so, I point out how things are still lacking. There is an adorable ad on the TV these days of a man playing and singing with his little girl. Take time to be a dad is the message. What a lovely thing. Why do we still need to make advertisements encouraging this? Why is love the unexpected experience?
On social media, there is often a meme about how when women are sick, they still take care of the household and how men do not. I went to work sick and I still tried to do the things that I do around the house. I was sick a long time, probably in no small part due to the fact that I did not take the time to rest. In our quest to be superwomen, we emasculate the men in our lives and mock them in order to empower ourselves or to be self righteous. That can't be right. The problem I have in asking for help is my problem, not my husbands. But yet I want that little girl in rain boots to be given the opportunity to be herself. I don't think I want her to do it all so that no one else has to help her. I want her to be able to find out what fires her up, not necessarily how to be strong by making others weak.
What I think it comes down to is the idea that things are either one of two options. You are this or you are that. Our world is changing, becoming less polarized in its thinking, but we are not there yet. We are trying things on for size, shifting the status quo. It really is an amazing time to be alive, though hard to find perspective sometimes. If I am going to celebrate the breaking of stereotypes, do I have to do it at the expense of existing stereotypes? Is there room for both? Could there be more possibilities we haven't even considered yet?
Initially written and not published January 10, 2017
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